Existential crisis

Existential crisis

I'm due back at school on Wednesday to study my A levels, but for some reason my brain has chosen this time to just leave the question "is this what you really want?" drifting about in my mind. I chose to study Drama, English Lit, History and Spanish. I'm really worried about doing English cos I'm not too keen on my teachers, and I didn't enjoy the book we had to read for homework, I just don't want to be stuck doing something I hate for two years. I was thinking about doing Psychology, but everyone I know has struggled with that and not done too well. 

I have never doubted my choice to go to uni before, from being a little kid it's what I've always wanted, but I don't know if that's what's right for me anymore. I don't know whether this is all just because I'm scared because I'm growing up and shizz, or if it's an epiphany that I've never realised before. 

I think this may have stemmed from my desire to do things. I love being out and about and independent, and I don't want to be one of those people who aren't driven and aren't remembered for anything, I mean, a couple of guys younger than me have their own successful clothing brand for heaven's sake. I want to do these things, but I get scared of failing, but deep down I know that this fear of failure stops you succeeding and leads to failure. So yeah, I'm pretty confused at the minute. 

I also have no idea what I want to do with my life, I've been through so many options in my head, teaching, policing, running hotels, property developing, but I always seem to find something wrong with each of these options. I don't see myself doing the same job all my life, but I don't want to be unemployed all my life. Gaaah. 

I'd love to do something in musical theatre ridiculously badly. But I am not good enough, and it annoys me that if my family had money then maybe I could have gotten some formal training younger, but it seems that the only way to break into the business at a young age is if you have a ton of money. I can sing, sure, but not strongly and not well enough to ever get a career out of it, I can't even afford singing lessons. 

Also, I've always wondered how people do the whole popular thing, my best friend is so well liked, I try to be a nice person, I just don't think people meet me and immediately think "ah what a lovely person," I have amazing friends, but I always see someone better than myself and wonder what the point of trying is, because I will never be as good, pretty, nice etc. as them. Basically my self esteem has plummeted.

What a selfish post this has been, if anyone has the same sort of problems going on please let me know, maybe we can struggle through together, 

Jess xo